Finding My Writing Trinity
Coach Yourself, Part 3 - on connection, expression, & self-actualization
This is Part III of a four-part essay series called Coach Yourself. This week, I'm taking a detour from the topics of sports & fitness to write about writing (how meta).
After all, writing is the ultimate tool for coaching myself.
You can also read Part I & II here: Rethinking Success & Rethinking Failure. I’ll be sharing Part IV by the end of January.
Life is riddled with identity questions.
What do I want to be when I grow up? What is my purpose? What does success mean to me?
Since beginning my writing journey three months ago, I've been thinking about another identity question.
What is my Personal Monopoly?
David Perell defines a Personal Monopoly as "a unique combination of skills, interests, and personality traits." The more unusual yours is, the more valuable it will be because there are so few substitutes.
Defining my Personal Monopoly feels like showing up to an interview unprepared for the question, "So, tell me about yourself." I squirm in my seat, trying to find the words.
What do I spend most of my waking hours doing or thinking about? Work, health, and relationships. How mundanely Millenial of me.
Yet I haven't let a Personal Monopoly crisis stop me from writing online. After all, writing is an excavation of the inner self and the world around us.
Instead, I follow the pull of my Writing Trinity – connection, expression, and self-actualization.
These three forces make us wonderfully human. Each force works in tandem to make the other stronger, and all together, they manifest my love for people, writing, and living.
Connection: On Being with Others
One of my favorite feelings is what I call intellectual flirting. I first wrote about it in my second published essay: Collect More Duke Ellington Moments.
It's fun to know a little about a lot, and to like a little bit about a lot. In conversation, there's a thrill to making an unexpected reference. Saying something someone wouldn't expect you to know. This feels like a sort of intellectual flirting.
Here's a deeper reflection on the concept: Intellectual flirting is when upon meeting someone, our thoughts intertwine into an intriguingly moving discussion. We dance between common and contrasting interests, revealing ourselves to each other and discovering ourselves in one another.
As the relationship blooms, we riff off each other's quips, yearnings, and ideas. I'm reminded of a recent conversation with a colleague that evolved from talking about college sports to Buddhism.
It's like browsing each other's minds instead of going down a rabbit hole on Wikipedia.
Connecting the dots in my relationships helps me connect the dots on the page. Although I cannot pull ideas from a defined Personal Monopoly, I can pull from these interactions.
The well of inspiration never runs dry when we continue to cultivate a deep interest in others.
And while being open-minded and open-hearted sparks personal creativity, more importantly, it creates a more interconnected world.
Expression: On Being Myself
As much as I yearn to connect and show my whole self to others, I'm afraid to do so. The most impactful emotions are often the most difficult to express through conversation – grief, admiration, tension.
When I'm drowning in an analysis paralysis of emotions and thoughts, I forget how to be myself.
Writing allows me to process and sift through the murky swamp in my brain. I dive beneath the surface and discover what's going on in the depths of my psyche.
The writing craft forces me to slooow down my thoughts and figure out:
How do I actually feel?
What do I actually think?
How do I want to express my feelings and thoughts?
Writing online helps me strip off the layers of fear and reveal my bits of vulnerability.
And it allows me to play with metaphors unapologetically, as you can see ;)
How liberating and fun it is to commit PDE – a Public Display of Expression.
Actualization: On Becoming Myself
Before I hit publish, I must push past a wall every time. On one side of the wall is my desire to be a writer. On the other side is "I'm a writer."
Thus, when I hit publish, I become the thing I want to be. I call this the Writer's Cycle of Actualization. Self-actualization is when we realize our full potential.
Before I started writing online, I felt like a lightbulb flickered in my head. When the light was on, I dreamt of writing a novel or creating an e-book of poems. When the lightbulb was off, all I could hear was the static of my self-doubt.
Now the floodlights are on. When I write, I shift my mindset towards becoming the person I want to be instead of tethering myself to unproductive narratives of the past.
Onward
By following the pull of my Writing Trinity, my heart beams with an appreciation for the new and existing relationships that have developed and deepened.
I'm shedding my vulnerabilities and hope this invites others to do the same.
During all the years I held back on writing online, I heard a voice whispering: Time keeps on moving.
I can now hear the voice loud and clear. It's a voice of childlike wonder, playful banter, frustrated yearnings, and unabashed gratitude for the people I love.
It's the voice that's always been there.
Both on and off the page, I am living a purpose-driven life.
Thanks so much for being here, my fellow writer and reader friends. As always, I love reading and responding to your comments.
With gratitude,
Rach
I agree with James, this is a wonderful, succinct, and rich piece of self-expression. So much in it that I personally resonate with. The trinity you name are without question what pull me to the activity of writing. In the "expression" category I put "authenticity" - which helps me focus on the type of expression that feeds me (and I think feeds others). I also use and like the concept of self-actualization, but I have to remember that it's an unending process, not an endpoint to achieved. I have a friend who is a psychologist and once shared with me a list of 10 types of intimacy. Among them is "intellectual intimacy" which I was reminded of when you mentioned intellectual flirting. Whatever it's called, the exchange is very enlivening.
Rick, your sharing brings to mind a perspective that meaningful/deep/intimate conversations are “co-created” by both participants.
These kinds of conversations, don’t have a pre-defined outcome or endpoint. They move into intimacy as the conversation moves like a bouncing ball in whatever direction both parties wish it to go - forwarding it by way of questions and occupying each others worlds without judgment.
Wonder and awe are often experienced because neither participant could imagine before the conversation that they’d end up where they did. And both are grateful, perhaps mysteriously, at where the interaction ended up.
It’s been my experience that in these intimate conversations, ego is absent. Hallelujah to that 😀