Hey there,
Valentine’s Day is upon us. This essay is my box of Conversation Hearts for you.
xo
As a teenager, I saved loose change to secretly buy Cosmopolitan magazines from my neighborhood grocery store. It's smut, my mother remarked.
I studied the issues from cover to cover, devouring articles like How to Mesmerize a Man. I recall a tip: Catch his eyes from across the room. Hold his gaze, then look away.
Dogearing the pages, I slipped mental notes on flirting between my actual high school studies. Newton’s Law of Gravitational Attraction and such.
Is flirting superficial and selfish? After all, "flirt" derives from the French phrase conter fleurette, meaning "to seduce by dropping flower petals” – to speak sweet nothings.
I developed an infatuation with flirting despite its supposed frivolity. Where's the romance in telling a crush plainly, “I like like you”? Give me a good slow burn so we can savor this thing we've got going on.
Flirting isn't shallow – it's a way to delicately explore the depths of a relationship. To poetically express my affection to someone in a way that feels secretive to us. To pull us into our own sphere of intimacy.
I sought partners who could match my wit or beat me to the provocative punchline. Flirting was a flame to the fire of romantic and intellectual stimulation. But above all, I desired to be good at being desired so that I could ultimately discover what I desired most.
Love.
Flirting is the art of expressing attraction. It allows us to connect intimately with someone by playing with words and body language. However, a flirtatious relationship does not guarantee compatibility. We must speak our vulnerable truth to find unconditional love.
Sphere of Intimacy
There are many ways to flirt (as I learned from Cosmopolitan). A playful hey you or a slight hand graze beckons the receiver to come closer, both physically and emotionally. The Flirt alters the tone and pace of her voice to convey the meaning concealed beneath her words.
Let's take a look at this scene from Mad Men. Don Draper, the renowned ad executive, flirts with Faye Miller, a research analyst working with his firm. We know Don as a troubled soul running from his past. Faye perceives him as kind and upstanding. She is curious to learn more about him and see beneath his surface.
As they share a drink in the breakroom, which Faye admits is abnormal for her to do, Don asks about her husband. She reveals that her faux wedding ring is a "stop sign" to ward off distracting conversations with her male clients.
"But you told me,” Don, a recent divorcee, ever-so-suggestively replies. He proceeds to open up about his distant relationship with his kids. Don and Faye carefully enter a sphere of intimacy by revealing parts of themselves they typically conceal from others. Inevitably, they begin dating.
My most significant romantic relationships began with flirting. As our bond grew, so did our openness; we exposed our needs, quirks, and apprehensions to one another.
Entering a sphere of intimacy is the key to evolving a flirtationship into a deeper relationship. Here, we begin to soften the contours of our egos and explore our compatibility.
Test the Waters, Break the Dam
While true that flirting is a means to stroke the ego, it's also a means of protecting the ego – to test the chemistry of a connection while avoiding hard rejection. The low stakes of flirting allow us to dip our toes into the waters of a relationship rather than jumping in with both feet.
Take A Tribe Called Quest's song Bonita Applebum:
Hey, Bonita, glad to meet ya
For the cunning, stunning you, miss, I must beseech ya
Hey, being with you is a top priority
Ain't no need to question the authority
Chairman of the board, the chief of affections
You got mine's to swing in your direction
Q-Tip's lyrics suavely dance the line between desire and politeness. He keeps his cards to his chest, yet his words imply an intense yearning for Bonita.
Flirting breeds curiosity about things left unsaid, creating a tension like a reservoir held back by a dam. We must let the tension break to progress. I reflect on a past up-and-down flirtationship. We tried to break through the dam, but one of us retreated each time until we never spoke to each other again.
By floating on the surface of a flirtationship, we withhold ourselves from experiencing unconditional love beyond physical attraction and fleeting emotions.
From Sparklers to Fireworks
Flirting is a sparkler, dazzling both parties. But when the sparkler fades into a smokey ember, what's left?
It takes real love to set off fireworks.
"Flirting is a promise of sexual intercourse without a guarantee." The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera.
If flirting is the language of sex, well, then what is the language of love?
Love is characterized by an emotional bond so deep that lovers don't fret over the right words. We speak from the heart and say exactly what we mean and feel, even if our words are vulnerable & raw. Shed your ego and reveal your bare truth to me. I will love every inch of you.
Love cannot contain itself. It takes shape and becomes a language of its own – verbal expressions that feel like touch and physical touch that speak to us like words. We hear and feel love even when we lie together still and silent.
Flirting means to "drop flower petals to the ground" and speak sweet nothings.
Love tosses the whole bouquet over its shoulder.
Love speaks everything.
PS: A flirtationship momento
We walk along Ocean Beach. The San Francisco fog hugs us close as we sip on steamy Americanos. We gently exchange sweet nothings. I like your voice.
Laying in a twin-sized dorm bed, we read to each other. He, a poem by Pablo Neruda. I, a poem of my own.
Pablo Neruda:
I like you when you are quiet
because it is as though you are absent,
and you hear me from far away,
and my voice does not touch you.
Me:
The control you have with words bends
and shapes each sound, trickles through my ears,
and reverberates to the click
of your tongue against your teeth.
Until next time,
Rach
Beautiful words around a seldom talked about topic, Rachel. You've had me thinking on different terms about flirting and what it means. Great exploration on the topic!
“Flirting is the art of expressing attraction. It allows us to connect intimately with someone by playing with words and body language. However, a flirtatious relationship does not guarantee compatibility. We must speak our vulnerable truth to find unconditional love.” -- I think Webster needs to update their definition of flirt, or replace it entirely with yours. Beautiful. Well done!