Loved the Tiger Balm metaphor, but above and beyond everything in this useful article, this "It’s impossible to measure self-worth because our beings abound with meaning." is what knocked my socks off. This is beyond profound. Please tell me more about this statement, what you mean, where it comes from, where it has taken you. This is not a casual throw-away line. There is so much here to talk about. In a Write of Passage session today the question was posed as a prompt, "What is Love?" and I responded, "Trying to understand love by asking the question “what is love?” is like trying to get a cup of water with a paper towel." Something like this is going on in your statement about measuring self-worth. The very notion of measuring such a thing implies we are completely missing the ground of our being. But now I'm opinion-ating. I'd like to know more about what YOU mean.
Wow, thank YOU for your thought-provoking comment. I love your paper towel analogy. It's a great Rick-ism :)
Hmm...I'll try to answer your question by sharing my experience. For so much of my teenage and adult life, I've measured and defined my self-worth through quantifiable "accomplishments" & external forces: GPAs, university admissions, personal athletic stats, job offers, performance reviews.
These are outcomes/results that I chose to perceive as accomplishments (or failures). But these things don't really qualify one's worth. Quite simply, I think self-worth is everything I choose to live for...everything that I find meaning in. It's everything that makes my life worth living: love, joy, creativity, gratitude. All these things are abundant.
I knew this was a question worth asking you. I've never heard self-worth defined in this way, but resonate with it 100%. "Self-worth is everything I choose to live for...everything that I find meaning in. It's everything that makes my life worth living: love, joy, creativity, gratitude. All these things are abundant."
Beautiful essay!! Thank you so much for sharing this story, I resonate with it so much, especially this: “Receiving feedback was like putting on Tiger Balm ointment – it stung in a good way. But external validation felt even better, especially for a people-pleaser like me. I rubbed validation deep into my ego-bruises, massaging out the tension. Ahhh, that’s it.”
I love your insights on feedback and look forward to applying these lessons when I return to work.
After reading the first line, the first thing that came to my mind was “ah, fuck him.”
You have a way with coining term friend. Between this and the “Graceful Discipline Scale” you put out hits.
I also loved the tiger balm visual! A lot of what you’ve mentioned resonates with me since I am also a chronic people-pleaser (in recovery). It’s been a journey setting healthy boundaries + taking feedback with a curious lens vs. absorbing it fully. I do like the line about feedback giving you feedback about your context.
Lovely writing as always (you can take that feedback if you want ;) ).
Thanks for sharing how you take feedback with a curious lens. It resonates with me.
To his credit, that professor was the only professor to pull me aside and give me direct, actionable feedback on essay-writing.
I reminded of the phrase, "assume positive intent." Not all feedback givers care about the feedback receiver, but they probably care about someone that's prompting the feedback in the first place (their customers, employees, family) But then there's people who harmfully criticize for the sake of feeling better about themselves at the cost of the receiver feeling bad. In other words, they have negative intentions. But to your point, we learn how to set boundaries. And that starts by recognize when it makes sense to step away from unproductive feedback.
+1 on the Tiger Balm metaphor. I also appreciate the shared insight through reframing feedback. A question I have for you is how you manage that gap or lag between the cognitive reframe and how it lands in real life with difficult conversations that are emotionally activating? It's like you know when the feedback isn't personal but the body feels or hears it that way. Asking for a friend 😅.
What a great follow-up question, which could lead to a part two 🤔
A few things that work for me:
-Start by recognizing the way the body responds. A tightening in my voice is the first sign.
-If my thoughts freeze up, I find that acknowledging what the other person says helps diffuse the tension and gives me a quick beat to relax: "I see what you mean by ___."
-At this point, there could be an opportunity to exchange a few questions.
-To conclude the difficult conversation, I share a solution or something I learned: "Going forward, I will [insert adapted approach] so *we* can [achieve desired outcome].
Difficult conversations are a two-way street. Perhaps part three of this piece could be about giving feedback with tact.
“I rubbed validation deep into my ego-bruises, massaging out the tension. Ahhh, that’s it.” Oof!! This really hit home. I've also struggled with tying my worth to my performance. (Nothing is more embarrassing than tears at work...or in an interview! Ouch!)
Thanks for sharing how you learned to reframe. Taking the time to check in with yourself makes a big difference! Wonderful essay, Rachael!
Erin, thank you so much for sharing your similar experience. Your comment prompted me to think about the difference between developing a "thick skin" and a resilience muscle.
Thick skin feel like a shield, whereas a resilence muscle is more flexible -- it allows us muscle to process feedback while still fostering the tenderness of our self-gratitude and connection with others.
This article was amazing. And of course I’m not saying it for external validation. 😊 I wonder if it isn’t necessary your original path because ultimately it is that fear of failure that got you to where you are. Because it seems plausible that you would not have gotten where you could be currently had you not internalized the negative feedback. Wondering your thoughts. Thank you
Isaiah, thanks for reading and for your thoughtful comment. By internalizing the negative feedback, I made external comments a part of my inner monologue. I recognized I could change my inner monologue by proofing it wrong, and thus, overcome obstacles. I'm learning how to synthesize feedback from others, while developing a kinder inner monologue.
"What does this feedback tell me about the person giving it?
What does it tell me about that person’s priorities, stressors, or constraints at the time?
What does it tell me about the team or company?"
These questions offer a great perspective.
I went down a similar path when I learned about accountability. I made myself accountable for things that weren't mine. I wonder, besides feedback and accountability, what are other ways we can be unkind to ourselves in a masochistic way?
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment, Miche. You prompted me to revisit these reflections.
With respect to holding on to unnecessary accountability, I think it stems from my people-pleasing notions and wanting to reduce tension or conflict. But I've learned (and am still learning) that we can't give away our energy and efforts to something that's truly outside the sphere of our control.
There are many times I find myself suffering from Feedback Masochism. I love the reframe, because it is such an easy shift to inculcate, but it holds massive potential to change your trajectory. Real banger essay Rachel!
Oh man this was so good, from the perfect Tiger Balm metaphor to just this deep look into feedback. I can be on the other extreme, where I'm a baby and I don't want to hear it. But then I also know it's good for me. I loved what you explored though that it can also tip into the other extreme and get tied too much with external validation (which I love when good and of course not at all when it's bad). Loved the quote you shared, “Feedback doesn’t give you information about you. Feedback gives you information about your context.” What a more beautiful way to look at feedback. Great essay!
Thanks for reading, Michelle! And for encouraging me to share my writing on Twitter -- the ultimate no frills platform for gathering feedback and context on what resonates with others.
I find Tiger Balm vomit-inducing. I smelt it so much as a kid growing in a family with Singaporean roots, that it would have been like rubbing more self-criticism in my wounds!
So wonderful to hear this story about you move away from your former mindset: “I've always internalized feedback. Each critical note serves as a reminder of what I lack.”
Hahaha I winced at the musicologist-giving-criticism story. The vast majority of my composition and conducting friends don't hold kind opinions toward the vast majority of musicologists -- for good reasons! For long, we (as in, composers and conductors) know the musicologists' criticism towards us say a lot more about them than about us, and your put it into a delightful essay to ready!
This was so concise and compelling, with gripping anecdotes, fun language, and impactful insights. You really have a handle on this problem and how this mindset shift helped you. And now you’re helping your readers make the same change. Great work!
"Feedback isn’t about some deficit within me; it's about the needs of the feedback-giver. A person's feedback is only about how I can be more effective with that person." -- Exactly my view, Rach. Thank you for wording it so beautifully and effectively. Awesome piece, on a theme that's so easy to talk about in cliche terms. Instead, your take is original and thoughtful. And I couldn't agree more. :)
Loved the Tiger Balm metaphor, but above and beyond everything in this useful article, this "It’s impossible to measure self-worth because our beings abound with meaning." is what knocked my socks off. This is beyond profound. Please tell me more about this statement, what you mean, where it comes from, where it has taken you. This is not a casual throw-away line. There is so much here to talk about. In a Write of Passage session today the question was posed as a prompt, "What is Love?" and I responded, "Trying to understand love by asking the question “what is love?” is like trying to get a cup of water with a paper towel." Something like this is going on in your statement about measuring self-worth. The very notion of measuring such a thing implies we are completely missing the ground of our being. But now I'm opinion-ating. I'd like to know more about what YOU mean.
Wow, thank YOU for your thought-provoking comment. I love your paper towel analogy. It's a great Rick-ism :)
Hmm...I'll try to answer your question by sharing my experience. For so much of my teenage and adult life, I've measured and defined my self-worth through quantifiable "accomplishments" & external forces: GPAs, university admissions, personal athletic stats, job offers, performance reviews.
These are outcomes/results that I chose to perceive as accomplishments (or failures). But these things don't really qualify one's worth. Quite simply, I think self-worth is everything I choose to live for...everything that I find meaning in. It's everything that makes my life worth living: love, joy, creativity, gratitude. All these things are abundant.
I knew this was a question worth asking you. I've never heard self-worth defined in this way, but resonate with it 100%. "Self-worth is everything I choose to live for...everything that I find meaning in. It's everything that makes my life worth living: love, joy, creativity, gratitude. All these things are abundant."
Beautiful essay!! Thank you so much for sharing this story, I resonate with it so much, especially this: “Receiving feedback was like putting on Tiger Balm ointment – it stung in a good way. But external validation felt even better, especially for a people-pleaser like me. I rubbed validation deep into my ego-bruises, massaging out the tension. Ahhh, that’s it.”
I love your insights on feedback and look forward to applying these lessons when I return to work.
Thank you, Liz! Wishing you well as you return to work and harmony between your different endeavors & creative pursuits
After reading the first line, the first thing that came to my mind was “ah, fuck him.”
You have a way with coining term friend. Between this and the “Graceful Discipline Scale” you put out hits.
I also loved the tiger balm visual! A lot of what you’ve mentioned resonates with me since I am also a chronic people-pleaser (in recovery). It’s been a journey setting healthy boundaries + taking feedback with a curious lens vs. absorbing it fully. I do like the line about feedback giving you feedback about your context.
Lovely writing as always (you can take that feedback if you want ;) ).
Thanks for sharing how you take feedback with a curious lens. It resonates with me.
To his credit, that professor was the only professor to pull me aside and give me direct, actionable feedback on essay-writing.
I reminded of the phrase, "assume positive intent." Not all feedback givers care about the feedback receiver, but they probably care about someone that's prompting the feedback in the first place (their customers, employees, family) But then there's people who harmfully criticize for the sake of feeling better about themselves at the cost of the receiver feeling bad. In other words, they have negative intentions. But to your point, we learn how to set boundaries. And that starts by recognize when it makes sense to step away from unproductive feedback.
+1 on the Tiger Balm metaphor. I also appreciate the shared insight through reframing feedback. A question I have for you is how you manage that gap or lag between the cognitive reframe and how it lands in real life with difficult conversations that are emotionally activating? It's like you know when the feedback isn't personal but the body feels or hears it that way. Asking for a friend 😅.
What a great follow-up question, which could lead to a part two 🤔
A few things that work for me:
-Start by recognizing the way the body responds. A tightening in my voice is the first sign.
-If my thoughts freeze up, I find that acknowledging what the other person says helps diffuse the tension and gives me a quick beat to relax: "I see what you mean by ___."
-At this point, there could be an opportunity to exchange a few questions.
-To conclude the difficult conversation, I share a solution or something I learned: "Going forward, I will [insert adapted approach] so *we* can [achieve desired outcome].
Difficult conversations are a two-way street. Perhaps part three of this piece could be about giving feedback with tact.
Thank you, Tai!
“I rubbed validation deep into my ego-bruises, massaging out the tension. Ahhh, that’s it.” Oof!! This really hit home. I've also struggled with tying my worth to my performance. (Nothing is more embarrassing than tears at work...or in an interview! Ouch!)
Thanks for sharing how you learned to reframe. Taking the time to check in with yourself makes a big difference! Wonderful essay, Rachael!
Erin, thank you so much for sharing your similar experience. Your comment prompted me to think about the difference between developing a "thick skin" and a resilience muscle.
Thick skin feel like a shield, whereas a resilence muscle is more flexible -- it allows us muscle to process feedback while still fostering the tenderness of our self-gratitude and connection with others.
This article was amazing. And of course I’m not saying it for external validation. 😊 I wonder if it isn’t necessary your original path because ultimately it is that fear of failure that got you to where you are. Because it seems plausible that you would not have gotten where you could be currently had you not internalized the negative feedback. Wondering your thoughts. Thank you
Isaiah, thanks for reading and for your thoughtful comment. By internalizing the negative feedback, I made external comments a part of my inner monologue. I recognized I could change my inner monologue by proofing it wrong, and thus, overcome obstacles. I'm learning how to synthesize feedback from others, while developing a kinder inner monologue.
Exactly. I’d imagine like all healthiness it requires a Balance of the two polars
"What does this feedback tell me about the person giving it?
What does it tell me about that person’s priorities, stressors, or constraints at the time?
What does it tell me about the team or company?"
These questions offer a great perspective.
I went down a similar path when I learned about accountability. I made myself accountable for things that weren't mine. I wonder, besides feedback and accountability, what are other ways we can be unkind to ourselves in a masochistic way?
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment, Miche. You prompted me to revisit these reflections.
With respect to holding on to unnecessary accountability, I think it stems from my people-pleasing notions and wanting to reduce tension or conflict. But I've learned (and am still learning) that we can't give away our energy and efforts to something that's truly outside the sphere of our control.
Why am I crying?
I don't read your work enough...or slowly enough...or often enough. You touched on something extra here. Thank you
Thank you, Yehudis. I need to catch up on all your pieces. I miss you, dear friend
There are many times I find myself suffering from Feedback Masochism. I love the reframe, because it is such an easy shift to inculcate, but it holds massive potential to change your trajectory. Real banger essay Rachel!
Thanks for reading, Ishan!
Also, +1 on the Tiger Balm metaphor. Perfect choice!
What an interesting perspective! Will definitely apply this lens the next time I get feedback
Oh man this was so good, from the perfect Tiger Balm metaphor to just this deep look into feedback. I can be on the other extreme, where I'm a baby and I don't want to hear it. But then I also know it's good for me. I loved what you explored though that it can also tip into the other extreme and get tied too much with external validation (which I love when good and of course not at all when it's bad). Loved the quote you shared, “Feedback doesn’t give you information about you. Feedback gives you information about your context.” What a more beautiful way to look at feedback. Great essay!
Thanks for reading, Michelle! And for encouraging me to share my writing on Twitter -- the ultimate no frills platform for gathering feedback and context on what resonates with others.
I find Tiger Balm vomit-inducing. I smelt it so much as a kid growing in a family with Singaporean roots, that it would have been like rubbing more self-criticism in my wounds!
So wonderful to hear this story about you move away from your former mindset: “I've always internalized feedback. Each critical note serves as a reminder of what I lack.”
Hahah it has such a distinct smell. I kinda like it, but yeah too much of it too often makes it nauseating.
Thanks for reading, Eric!
Hahaha I winced at the musicologist-giving-criticism story. The vast majority of my composition and conducting friends don't hold kind opinions toward the vast majority of musicologists -- for good reasons! For long, we (as in, composers and conductors) know the musicologists' criticism towards us say a lot more about them than about us, and your put it into a delightful essay to ready!
Thanks Helen! I wasn't aware of this interesting and amusing dynamic between musicologists vs composers & conductors.
I also love learning these details about you -- from your vignette "A Lesson in Music" to the songs you share in your essays.
This was so concise and compelling, with gripping anecdotes, fun language, and impactful insights. You really have a handle on this problem and how this mindset shift helped you. And now you’re helping your readers make the same change. Great work!
Thanks Garrett!
This was so honest, I really enjoyed it. And that last line was great!!
Thank you, Jess!
"Feedback isn’t about some deficit within me; it's about the needs of the feedback-giver. A person's feedback is only about how I can be more effective with that person." -- Exactly my view, Rach. Thank you for wording it so beautifully and effectively. Awesome piece, on a theme that's so easy to talk about in cliche terms. Instead, your take is original and thoughtful. And I couldn't agree more. :)
Thanks, Silvio. Your comment means a lot to me. I enjoy writing about life-affirming topics, but I want to do so in a way that's not cliche.